Lag Time (Becoming Divergent)

I got divorced today! I am so excited about this news! It is such a relief! If you're a stickler for facts, I didn't technically get divorced today. Apparently the court ruled on this 11 days ago! But the court wasn't in a hurry to tell me. It's confusing why they even ask for an email address, because they never used it, instead relegating such life-changing news to snail mail.

I've been waiting for this morning for a long time. I was beginning to doubt if this day would ever come. Although before God and my husband, I had been divorced for 2.5 years. The state of California had it's own interpretation.

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Lag time. Patience. Waiting. Uncertainty.

Whatever you want to call it. It is a necessary part of the process. What process? The process of life. The many complex, nuanced, interwoven, varied, paradoxical, slow, hard parts of life.

Richard Rohr says: "How you do anything is how you do everything." That's one to sit with for a while, perhaps even build a life around.

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Earlier in the day, when I logged in to the Brave Writer's Room, which I host every other Sunday, for some church, I had no idea how the day was going to unfold.

I was so happy to be witnessing and celebrating the synchronicity of my soul friend and sister beginning to see her dreams materialize. Her dreams were materializing because she had long been incrementally laying the foundation and was painting the future with her true desires.

This morning her chest grew tight from the expansion she was experiencing. This new energy radiated from the opportunities that were, to her surpise, emerging. Suddenly, she is coaching other writers. Suddenly, she is collaborating with a publisher to create a small book of wisdom partnering with her newlywed husband to merge her Japanese ancestral history with his Japanese gardening knowledge. What synchroncity!

This book is anticipated to be sold internationally, in the U.K., as well as, translated to the language of her immigrant parent's home country. She might soon have a little book in Japanese. She was living the fruit of merging all her internal work, desires, and giftings with external rewards - building community and sharing her authentic, precious self - marked by her thoughtful, poetic, insightful words.

The tightness felt like her old friend, Anxiety, but with pausing a mere 5 seconds, she recognized it was more Excitement than Anxiety. She identified this tightness as a positive sign that had long ago been confused with threat. The Excitement accompanied her growth as her dreams glided closer to reality.

After celebrating her, she mirrored back my originating question: "How does today find you?"

"I feel equanimity," I replied. She smiled with positive regard.

I continued, "I have a busy schedule today. I have lots to do and everything is planned out. This would normally be anxiety-provoking for me, to see all that needs to be done today, yet knowing there will be twists and turns which I can't anticipate. All of this is true and: I'm here for it."

She mirrored contemplatively: "I'm here for it."

"Yes, I'm here for it," I mirrored.

I'm here for it.

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The rest of the time with my fellow writers was nothing less than fantastic, heart-warming, uplifting, and deeply connected, as always. Owing to my tight schedule, I quickly bowed out of the meeting, gathered my lunch and items for work, and gave the dogs some attention before heading out the door and down the road.

I had an errand prior to seeing clients - stopping by my post office box. Naturally I have to do this because how else will I get the mail, but I've been waiting, hoping, and longing for resolution from my marriage. Maybe the mail box would bear positive news? But it's been harder and harder to bring my hope to the forefront. We had to resubmit paperwork no less than three times, including our last submission which contained nothing new other than a letter pointing out to them how we had already submitted what they were asking for.

Each prior time at the mailbox, the result brought sorrow and more challenge, but today the envelope was hopefully thin. This meant the paperwork hadn't been returned. Perhaps this enclosed the ruling! (As I indicated above, it did!) All this waiting and finally I was legally divorced!

I'm here for it.

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Resolution had arrived. I had to share the news! My betrothed and I have been together for three weeks shy of two years and our love is storybook! But - "AH, she's working saving lives and I only have a small window before I begin work, " I realized. I texted, asking if we could talk. With great gratitude, I found myself on the talking on the phone with her mere minutes later. And we celebrated and considered what this meant for us and our futures and what it required to get here.

I'm here for it.

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Earlier this week, I resumed my beloved podcast conversations exploring my obsession with what it means to live a healthy life. This week's guest met me on zoom and we shared a delightful, nourishing conversation. Then we connected with emails back and forth the days following and then again unexpectedly yesterday at the gym where he met my fiance for the first time. And then, again, as I left my post office box today thin manila envelope in hand, I received a notification from him.

The earlier emails contained expressions of love and gratitute for me. I expressed kindredness. This most recent email that arrived just as I left the post office box with life-changing envelope in hand, offered a path towards a long-held longing - a companion in my life's work to help others live their healthiest lives in an integrated fashion. As I read his kind and promising words, I recalled the number of times my expression of my passions fell on deaf ears and made me frequently fear that I was foreign and not needed, nor doing life right. I've persevered, but dark night of the soul felt well past nights and into the years.

P.S. I'm in need of a 2nd new best friend. Jamie's got the number 1 spot, but number has been open for a few years if you have any interest. This is scary as fuck to write, but I'm learning to ask for what I want and need and I need this. I'm okay if it's not you, but I'm going to "fuck around and find out." Not sure if you'll make the cut and not sure if you have need or desire for such a close friend. Even if you're not second best friend, I think we can be really good friends. I've learned to be more direct in relationships over the years, even with matters of the heart, and it seems to work out well, even though it, is a long-game strategy.

All this to say I'm super excited about the evolution of our friendship and I'm so stoked to talk more about our dreams and see where their is overlap and synchronity.

I'm here for it.

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Once Jamie had the news, I had to share more broadly. I texted my writer's group. The response came quickly to news of my new legal status as single: "You're out of pergatory and you're here for it!" Friends that circle back yourself to you to communicate to you: "I see you and I like you," even when those aren't the precise words.

I'm here for it.

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Tonight as if I hadn't already had the most beautiful, lovely, connection-filled day. My beloved cousin with the myeloma-type of the "C"-word and who lives a 40-hour drive from me called and informed me she is in remission after a hellish 9 months. She told me of the dance and swirl and ebb and flow of her experience that kicked life into hyperdrive to survive.

It's hard to thrive when survival is your metric. Her enchanting telling of her companions of terror and delight, uncertainty and hope, pain and laughter wrapped me in a warm blanket of connection. I knew I was witnessing the miracle of a life well-lived and cherished the time, attention, and energy her sharing required. I saw the gift and I celebrated it, as I celebrated her, and with her.

The intense yawns that marked her telling spoke of the miracle of the will to live for oneself and for others. Her ability to curate creative, playful, quality time with her three sons marks her true North as she navigates the dark. She is in REMISSION, no more treatments targeting the C-word!!

Her focus now gets to go elsewhere and she chose to spend her precious little time on earth talking to me. Of course, all of our time is precious. Of course, all our lives are miraculous, nay straight up miracles, just by existing. Beloved, you can explain or explore your thought process or emotions with me anytime. I love observing the miracle of you.

I'm here for it.

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Oh and then there was the text from my emerging friend from an anti-racism conference I attended last month. We are confirmed for walking a neighborhood park next week. The manner in which they communicate and facilitate groups is so healing for me. I've longed for beloved community with deeply, integrated individuals. It's been such a void, and it seems like seeds I planted long ago are bursting with life and possibility.

I'll see you at park next week and maybe I'll bring the dogs. They say it's hard to make friends as we age. It certainly does take risks.

I'm here for it.

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Life unfolds on its own time life. In general, I wish things played out faster, but slowing down has allowed me to find equanimity at times in the unknowing of a day.

Today I was here for it, and damn, it didn't disappoint.

May you always see the blessing.

-esb

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Questions for Contemplation:

• Could your body be telling you something different than you typically think it's communicating?

• What do you long for? (a.k.a. what seeds are you planting?)

• What are you giving up to be "here for it?"

• What blessing did you miss by inattention?

May you always see the blessing, beloveds.

-esb

P.S. - Thanks for being here. I’d love to hear how you’re doing!

P.P.S. - I gave a life update on The LYHL Podcast earlier this week. Look for the “Fall 2024 Update.”