Preemptive Giving Up

Have you ever given up on something before you even tried? Yeah, me too.

The thought processes surrounding these occurrence are probably so strong that you never even realized you gave up.

I watercolor now. I didn't use to. Why didn't I previously paint with watercolors? Well, I gave up before I ever tried.

Watercolor has long my favorite media for paintings. I deeply respected them and appreciated them - the watercolor paintings and the painters who chose watercolor to express their art.

I loved the flow and softness of the images. They evoke and invite alternate realities for me.

At some point along my life's journey, I heard how hard watercolor is to work with. I was informed it took a lot of skill, patience, training, and artistry. That bred respect, but also distance.

In my mind, before I could even consciously think: "I'd like to watercolor," I gave up. Wow! I gave up.

Eventually as my life meandered, I was tricked or forced into trying watercolor in two different, welcoming, low pressure gatherings over a few year period.

"Wow, I watercolored!"

"Wow, I enjoyed it and I liked my work - the process and the results."

(Once I got past the hurdle of starting and believing I would be terrible and thus not enjoy it or benefit from it and therefore shouldn't even begin.)

It didn't happen right away, not until I entered a season of deep, deep care and recovery for myself, that I ventured to try on my own. I bought a little travel watercolor set, with a brush like a pen that held the water within and released water on demand with the aid of a little squeeze on the water compartment. The set is so basic with a mere ten colors that it requires frequent mixing to achieve my desired color palette. But starting so simple helped me have low expectations for the quality of my art, not just because I didn't know what I was doing, but because the tools were so inexpensive and basic.

The accompanying paper set I acquired measured just 4"x6" in order to fit easily amongst my other belongings and to remind me to not to take myself too seriously and for easy access when the notion arose. It's hard to take a 4"x6" painting too seriously, in the same way postcards do not evoke deep thoughts, yet have an enjoyable levity and thoughtfulness to them.

But these little papers began to fill with all manner of shapes, tones, and subjects representative of the world as well as abstract explorations. The pages began to move energies in a deep and satisfying place within me - a place I often seek to analyze, but not to feel and participate. This practice of participation allows me to feel in ways that words cannot.

Just this weekend I painted 3 images: a watermelon, the U.S. flag, and an abstract geometric image featuring bold colors creating strong lines that melt into a softer version of that same color. All of the images hold emotions and complexity that I connect with now that I made them and can see them. Woah!

Watercolor has not been the only thing I gave up on before trying. I also gave up on being a public performer and speaker before even trying, thinking I didn't have a strong voice, a clear voice, a lovely voice, an interesting voice (etcera, etcera).

I know there are so many others. So here I am in middle-age (God-willing), shedding light on these giving-ups as I explore my desires and wants.

This is not a separate process to defining my calling. They are mysteriously and profoundly entwined.

This message will only be received by those ready to receive. I would love, love, love to hear about what you are now bravely, expectantly, and even playfully exploring which you previously suppressed and gave up on - not realizing and acknowledging that your passions and desires are there for a purpose - to bless you and others - to dance in the divine flow.

Questions for Contemplation:

1. What is something you've always respected and found beautiful or exciting, but don't think you're good enough to try?

2. What is your experience with the visual arts - painting, drawing, etc? Have you explored their potential for you?

3. What are your intentions for this year and this day? Are you being intentional or has autopilot taken over?

4. What is something new you want to try that feels a little scary, but you see many other people enjoying? Could there be joy for you there too?

May you always see the blessing.

-esb

P.S. - Thanks for being here. We’d love to hear how you’re doing & what you’re learning!

P.P.S. - All the art in these newsletters is mine, unless otherwise specified.

P.P.P.S. - I didn’t watch the superbowl, but I’m doing work to catch-up on the artistry that was shared over the breaks, particularly because of the Black representation. I was so pleasantly surprised to find out the ever-joyful, loving, 7x Grammy-winning and New Orleans-raised Jon Batiste played the National Anthem with homage to his jazz roots.

If you’d like an infusion of love and joy, I’d encourage watching his Oscar-winning documentary “American Symphony” or putting on any of his tunes. The records “We Are” and “World Music Radio” as joyful and dynamic as they are diverse in their genre inclusivity.